Feels Like Home to Me

"Precious years of memories

Oh what joy they bring to me

How I long once more to be

With my friends at the old country church"

       When my Granny was young she and her siblings (all 7 of them total)  made up an instrumental and vocal group called "The Traveling Musical Wrights." Her dad was a traveling evangelist. He pretty much chose an instrument for each of his children, shoved it in their hands at a young age and they were expected to learn how to play it. They were also required to be able to sing and carry harmonies (even though he couldn't).

 As the Wright siblings have grown, their love for music and singing has always been a constant. I remember very specifically one of our trips to Michigan to visit her family. We were all out on a very, very crowded boardwalk. One of her brothers, Byron I think, started a tag - which is a small snippit of a song- and then they all joined in to finish singing the song in perfect harmony a capella. I was a teenager, so at the time it was a little embarrassing, but is now a sweet memory. The crowd around us started out by looking at them like they had two heads each, but by the end they were all hooping and hollering and clapping! This repeated itself several more times throughout the evening. Once at dinner, once in a crowded ice cream parlor, you get the drift. They were natural performers.Wright family reunions were always full of laughing, eating, and lots of music.

One particular song I can always remember them singing was "The Old Country Church," of which I've posted some of the lyrics at the beginning. That song has resonated so deeply with me throughout my life because I had a place like that. A place where no matter the stage in my life, as child who had just moved to a new town and school system, an angst-ridden teenager, or a young woman just starting her own family, my heart yearned to be there.

First Baptist Church, Zeigler, Illinois

Some of my earliest and happiest memories were created at First Baptist Church in Zeigler, Illinois. From the Vacation Bible School every summer, to the smells and sounds of the basement fellowship hall bustling during an after service potluck meal, my heart swells now just thinking about it. 

I attended there regularly from the time I was four until we moved the summer I was eight going on nine years old. I continued to attend most weekends after that as well, because I would stay frequently with my grandparents who were members. That all changed the September after I turned thirteen years old. 

My Grandpaw, Roger, passed away September 17, 2001. That day is still so fresh in my mind and heart. This day changed a lot more in our family than just missing him. Soon after my Grandpaw's passing my dad had plans drawn up to build an apartment onto the back of our home for my Granny. This was great news, as I loved having my best friend living with us. It was, however, bittersweet, because gone were the days of the beautiful house on Maple Street and regular attendance at Zeigler First Baptist - the only two places that had ever really felt like home. 

 

  The house that built me.

Ever since I have felt like something was missing. Trips back to FBCZ were comforting, yet tear filled. I would spend the entire time I was there sitting next to my Granny, in the pew where the three of us used to sit, and blubber like a baby. My fondest memories from there included folks from my grandparent's generation, and as they aged I would hear word of many of them passing. It was heartbreaking. 

My father is an interim pastor, so I have attended many, many churches. None of them ever compared or felt like home. I did have a wonderful experience during my time in youth group at Harrisburg First Baptist, but it still wasn't the same. 

I had always made the assumption that I was so emotionally attached to FBCZ because of my grandparents. I always felt that the tears stemmed from missing Grandpaw, and now Granny. However, this past Sunday I feel like I had an epiphany. 

As I was engaging in worship at our new church home, One Life Church, I kept thinking of the amazing KIDS! department we have there. I have been able to serve in different aspects of that program for the past year or so. I was thinking of the joy that comes with that service, and also the trials. In that moment I felt a perspective change. This was my new home now. These kids are being nurtured in the way I was at FBCZ. I didn't miss that place solely because it is where I feel close to my grandparents. I miss it because that is where people loved me like Christ does. I had an entire network of people who supported, encouraged, and loved me like crazy. That is a rare thing to have. 

Korey and I didn't attend church regularly the majority of our dating life or marriage. Lots of past hurts and hangups kept us away. When we moved to Henderson we felt that something was missing in our life. We visited many different churches and prayerfully settled on One Life - and things started changing in our life. We got involved in our community. We built relationships. We found financial direction. Most importantly, we delved further into our faith and have become intentional in fostering that in our children. Our life together has blossomed. 

When I mention church Mimi beams. She loves going there. She feels supported, encouraged, and loved like crazy. 

In God's perfect timing, He has taken away the sadness I feel when I think of Zeigler, and finally given me a place I've longed for, a new home.  

The best part - now I get to be a small fraction of the experience for the kids there. I get to invest in their lives and create home for them. I hope to help them always remember their time there fondly and hopefully keep the desire for a relationship with a group of believers alive in them. 

 As I was thinking of all these things, the worship band broke out into a chorus of "It is well with my soul" and I lost it. I was transported back to my Granny's lap and all the times she sang me to sleep with that song, and her alto voice carrying the echo of that hymn in the sanctuary of that church. In that moment, it really did all become well with my soul. 

"There's a place dear to me

Where I'm longing to be

With my friends at the old country church"

My Granny and her remaining brothers singing together on their last visit. 

She literally used some of her last breaths to sing that song. What a treasure.

My Wrecking Ball

This is my daughter Amelia. 

She is the light of my life, the miracle child I never thought I would have. 

From day one she has surpassed my expectations and given me a run for my money. She has been eerily aware of her surroundings from the time she was born. When the doctor laid her on my chest she raised her head up and looked around at all of us, as if to say "What are you looking at?" 

She is spunky as all get out!

She is my little wrecking ball. She can rip through our house like a tornado. She is stubborn, strong willed, and passionate about every little thing she comes into contact with. She can knock my heart into a million little pieces with a single look or one utterance of "Mama." She makes my world go round. 

She came into our lives and turned them upside down. She wrecked every preconceived notion I had about being a parent - for the better!  Once a wrecking ball hits you cannot put the pieces back together. I would never want to go back to who I was before her. I love her more than words can say. 

She is my Precious One.

Amelia,

Mommy loves you!

24

**Please let me preface this by saying this is not directed towards mothers only. This is for anyone who is facing their own struggle and is looking for encouragement and hope.**

“ It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” - Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens has been my favorite author ever since I read David Copperfield in the 7^th grade. I checked it out of the Malan Jr. High library upwards of 30 times that year. I am not sure how many times I have read it since. I own special edition copies – I just love it. Since then I have read most everything of his I can get my hands on. Who doesn't love a guy who is absolutely coo-coo about Christmas?! Most everyone is familiar with the aforementioned quote from A Tale of Two Cities. I think this quote sums up my 24^th year on planet Earth perfectly.

I have learned so much over the past year. I have grown in ways I never expected. I have learned lessons I wish no one had to learn. I have learned lessons everyone should. I'm not usually one to reflect openly, but I feel that some things are meant to be shared. Some things hold the capability to help someone else who may be going through the same things you have lived through.

On December 21, 2011 I was blessed with the greatest gift of my life. It was on that day my sweet baby girl was born. She was and continues to be everything I ever dreamed of. The days that followed were full of joy and wonder as I looked at this little miracle her daddy and I had created. I worked up until the day before I had her, but decided home was where I needed to be during her developmental years.

Along side the awe and wonder of motherhood came days of darkness and intense sadness. I chalked it up to the “baby blues” and an adjustment period that came with settling into my new role as a stay at home mother. The months passed, but the feelings didn't. I would have moments, entire days and even weeks where I just couldn't process things the way I used to. I was stricken with intense anxiety that provoked incredibly irrational thoughts. I was convinced something terrible was going to happen to Amelia at any moment or that something would happen to me and I wouldn't be able to see her grow up. I was an emotional mess. Something wasn't right. I was so ashamed.

You enter motherhood with the vision you have been programmed to expect. Diaper commercials, Gerber and other companies present us with the fantasy that you will come home, he/she will sleep through the night, you will get back in shape the next week and everything will be the same between yourself and your significant other. Not the case. Why didn't I have that? Why is everything falling apart? Why am I not good enough? These hideous thoughts and many more flooded my thoughts, no, dominated my thoughts. Korey came home most nights to a sobbing, red-faced, emotional mess – and I'm not talking about the baby. It was time to get some help.

I went and spoke to my GP who diagnosed me with PPD/PPA or Postpartum Depression/Postpartum Anxiety disorder. She prescribed anti-depressants and sent me on my way. This opened up a whole new door of problems. The medicine made me incredibly ill. It completely put me out of commission while eliminating my immune system for the most part. I am not against medication if it works for you, but it was not for me. I did not have the capability of spending time trying a multitude of different options and combinations either, as I didn't want to be sick and unable to care for Amelia. I decided to handle things naturally.

I chose to rely on a limited support system, as I was too embarrassed to tell anyone outside Korey, my dad, and a therapist. Therapy helps. It was what I needed to get myself on the right track and able to see that I didn't have to live this way forever. This was just a season.

Above all else, it made me realize that I can not do it alone. There were times that I felt I could not make it another minute. There were times that I could completely empathize with people who have made the choice to take their own lives. However, I had my beautiful family to keep me grounded enough to see the repercussions that would have. We often call upon God in our darkest moments. This was no exception. There were days that I couldn't do much more than lie in bed and pray. I picked up my Bible for the first time in a long time. I started nurturing a relationship I had been neglecting. I found hope. I poured out my heart and was met with grace and mercy. That my friends, is a beautiful thing.

It has been a very long, difficult year. At the same time, it has been an amazingly wonderful year. The clouds do have a way of lifting. It is possible to start to notice/feel the good things again. It gets better.

I am so incredibly blessed to have an amazing husband and family. It would have been very easy I'm sure for Korey to say “Enough! I can't do this.” I know I have not been easy to live with. Instead, again, I have been met with grace. I can't say enough good things about that man.

I found new interests and hobbies that made me happy. I found self-worth. I read book after book and article after article about natural medicine. I started exercising. I lost 90lbs. I made the choice to focus on the joy my daughter brings and the memories and moments that are fleeting. I stopped focusing on the exhaustion, the tough nights and the difficult times. I put more of my focus back into my marriage. I will go back to school starting next month. We have been incredibly blessed in the last year by a new job opportunity for Korey and a new hometown. Relationships I thought were irreparable have been healed. I've learned forgiveness. I'm able to roll with the punches.

I am not sharing my story in a quest for sympathy. I have spent a year and a half harboring my secret in shame. I don't want anyone else to ever feel that way. There is such a huge stigma attached to issues that relate to mental health, chemical imbalances, hormonal imbalances, what have you. I have heard so many negative things from people who do not understand:

“Depression isn't real.”

“If you have to take medication to be happy there is something wrong with you.”

“Medication/Therapy is a weakness.”

None of which is true. There is no shame in getting help. There is no shame in admitting that you are going trough something bigger than yourself.

I am looming on 25 years old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is that I want to be an encourager. I want to provide hope for others that are lost in a sea of hopelessness. I want to be a beacon of joy. I have no idea what 25 is going to hold. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, and I am happy to say I know I can handle it. I still have hard days, but I know the good outweighs the bad. I know that there are far more blessings and reasons to choose joy than there are reasons to be sad. All I know is that each day I am blessed by another 24 hours with my beautiful daughter. I'll take it day by day. That is enough for me.

This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” - Charles Dickens

Oh, Charles Dickens, you just get me. :)