**Please let me preface this by saying this is not directed towards mothers only. This is for anyone who is facing their own struggle and is looking for encouragement and hope.**
“ It was the best
of times, it was the worst of times.” - Charles Dickens
Charles Dickens has
been my favorite author ever since I read David Copperfield in the
7th grade. I checked it out of the Malan Jr. High library
upwards of 30 times that year. I am not sure how many times I have
read it since. I own special edition copies – I just love it. Since
then I have read most everything of his I can get my hands on. Who
doesn't love a guy who is absolutely coo-coo about Christmas?! Most
everyone is familiar with the aforementioned quote from A Tale of Two
Cities. I think this quote sums up my 24th year on planet
Earth perfectly.
I have learned so
much over the past year. I have grown in ways I never expected. I
have learned lessons I wish no one had to learn. I have learned
lessons everyone should. I'm not usually one to reflect openly, but I
feel that some things are meant to be shared. Some things hold the
capability to help someone else who may be going through the same
things you have lived through.
On December 21, 2011
I was blessed with the greatest gift of my life. It was on that day
my sweet baby girl was born. She was and continues to be everything I
ever dreamed of. The days that followed were full of joy and wonder
as I looked at this little miracle her daddy and I had created. I
worked up until the day before I had her, but decided home was where
I needed to be during her developmental years.
Along side the awe
and wonder of motherhood came days of darkness and intense sadness. I
chalked it up to the “baby blues” and an adjustment period that
came with settling into my new role as a stay at home mother. The
months passed, but the feelings didn't. I would have moments, entire
days and even weeks where I just couldn't process things the way I
used to. I was stricken with intense anxiety that provoked incredibly
irrational thoughts. I was convinced something terrible was going to
happen to Amelia at any moment or that something would happen to me
and I wouldn't be able to see her grow up. I was an emotional mess.
Something wasn't right. I was so ashamed.
You enter motherhood
with the vision you have been programmed to expect. Diaper
commercials, Gerber and other companies present us
with the fantasy that you will come home, he/she will sleep through
the night, you will get back in shape the next week and everything
will be the same between yourself and your significant other. Not the
case. Why didn't I have that? Why is everything falling apart? Why am
I not good enough? These hideous thoughts and many more flooded my
thoughts, no, dominated my thoughts. Korey came home most nights to a
sobbing, red-faced, emotional mess – and I'm not talking about the
baby. It was time to get some help.
I went and spoke to
my GP who diagnosed me with PPD/PPA or Postpartum
Depression/Postpartum Anxiety disorder. She prescribed
anti-depressants and sent me on my way. This opened up a whole new
door of problems. The medicine made me incredibly ill. It completely
put me out of commission while eliminating my immune system for the
most part. I am not against medication if it works for you, but it
was not for me. I did not have the capability of spending time trying
a multitude of different options and combinations either, as I didn't
want to be sick and unable to care for Amelia. I decided to handle
things naturally.
I chose to rely on a
limited support system, as I was too embarrassed to tell anyone
outside Korey, my dad, and a therapist. Therapy helps. It was what I
needed to get myself on the right track and able to see that I didn't
have to live this way forever. This was just a season.
Above all else, it
made me realize that I can not do it alone. There were times that I
felt I could not make it another minute. There were times that I
could completely empathize with people who have made the choice to
take their own lives. However, I had my beautiful family to keep me
grounded enough to see the repercussions that would have. We often
call upon God in our darkest moments. This was no exception. There
were days that I couldn't do much more than lie in bed and pray. I
picked up my Bible for the first time in a long time. I started
nurturing a relationship I had been neglecting. I found hope. I
poured out my heart and was met with grace and mercy. That my
friends, is a beautiful thing.
It has been a very
long, difficult year. At the same time, it has been an amazingly
wonderful year. The clouds do have a way of lifting. It is possible
to start to notice/feel the good things again. It gets better.
I am so incredibly
blessed to have an amazing husband and family. It would have been
very easy I'm sure for Korey to say “Enough! I can't do this.” I
know I have not been easy to live with. Instead, again, I have been
met with grace. I can't say enough good things about that man.
I found new
interests and hobbies that made me happy. I found self-worth. I read
book after book and article after article about natural medicine. I
started exercising. I lost 90lbs. I made the choice to focus on the
joy my daughter brings and the memories and moments that are
fleeting. I stopped focusing on the exhaustion, the tough nights and
the difficult times. I put more of my focus back into my marriage. I
will go back to school starting next month. We have been incredibly
blessed in the last year by a new job opportunity for Korey and a new
hometown. Relationships I thought were irreparable have been healed.
I've learned forgiveness. I'm able to roll with the punches.
I am not sharing my
story in a quest for sympathy. I have spent a year and a half
harboring my secret in shame. I don't want anyone else to ever feel
that way. There is such a huge stigma attached to issues that relate
to mental health, chemical imbalances, hormonal imbalances, what have
you. I have heard so many negative things from people who do not
understand:
“Depression isn't
real.”
“If you have to
take medication to be happy there is something wrong with you.”
“Medication/Therapy
is a weakness.”
None of which is
true. There is no shame in getting help. There is no shame in
admitting that you are going trough something bigger than yourself.
I am looming on 25
years old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. All
I know is that I want to be an encourager. I want to provide hope for
others that are lost in a sea of hopelessness. I want to be a beacon
of joy. I have no idea what 25 is going to hold. I'm sure there will
be ups and downs, and I am happy to say I know I can handle it. I
still have hard days, but I know the good outweighs the bad. I know
that there are far more blessings and reasons to choose joy than
there are reasons to be sad. All I know is that each day I am blessed
by another 24 hours with my beautiful daughter. I'll take it day by
day. That is enough for me.
Psalm 118:24
“Reflect upon your present blessings,
of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of
which all men have some.” - Charles Dickens
Oh, Charles Dickens, you just get me.
:)
