24

**Please let me preface this by saying this is not directed towards mothers only. This is for anyone who is facing their own struggle and is looking for encouragement and hope.**

“ It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” - Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens has been my favorite author ever since I read David Copperfield in the 7^th grade. I checked it out of the Malan Jr. High library upwards of 30 times that year. I am not sure how many times I have read it since. I own special edition copies – I just love it. Since then I have read most everything of his I can get my hands on. Who doesn't love a guy who is absolutely coo-coo about Christmas?! Most everyone is familiar with the aforementioned quote from A Tale of Two Cities. I think this quote sums up my 24^th year on planet Earth perfectly.

I have learned so much over the past year. I have grown in ways I never expected. I have learned lessons I wish no one had to learn. I have learned lessons everyone should. I'm not usually one to reflect openly, but I feel that some things are meant to be shared. Some things hold the capability to help someone else who may be going through the same things you have lived through.

On December 21, 2011 I was blessed with the greatest gift of my life. It was on that day my sweet baby girl was born. She was and continues to be everything I ever dreamed of. The days that followed were full of joy and wonder as I looked at this little miracle her daddy and I had created. I worked up until the day before I had her, but decided home was where I needed to be during her developmental years.

Along side the awe and wonder of motherhood came days of darkness and intense sadness. I chalked it up to the “baby blues” and an adjustment period that came with settling into my new role as a stay at home mother. The months passed, but the feelings didn't. I would have moments, entire days and even weeks where I just couldn't process things the way I used to. I was stricken with intense anxiety that provoked incredibly irrational thoughts. I was convinced something terrible was going to happen to Amelia at any moment or that something would happen to me and I wouldn't be able to see her grow up. I was an emotional mess. Something wasn't right. I was so ashamed.

You enter motherhood with the vision you have been programmed to expect. Diaper commercials, Gerber and other companies present us with the fantasy that you will come home, he/she will sleep through the night, you will get back in shape the next week and everything will be the same between yourself and your significant other. Not the case. Why didn't I have that? Why is everything falling apart? Why am I not good enough? These hideous thoughts and many more flooded my thoughts, no, dominated my thoughts. Korey came home most nights to a sobbing, red-faced, emotional mess – and I'm not talking about the baby. It was time to get some help.

I went and spoke to my GP who diagnosed me with PPD/PPA or Postpartum Depression/Postpartum Anxiety disorder. She prescribed anti-depressants and sent me on my way. This opened up a whole new door of problems. The medicine made me incredibly ill. It completely put me out of commission while eliminating my immune system for the most part. I am not against medication if it works for you, but it was not for me. I did not have the capability of spending time trying a multitude of different options and combinations either, as I didn't want to be sick and unable to care for Amelia. I decided to handle things naturally.

I chose to rely on a limited support system, as I was too embarrassed to tell anyone outside Korey, my dad, and a therapist. Therapy helps. It was what I needed to get myself on the right track and able to see that I didn't have to live this way forever. This was just a season.

Above all else, it made me realize that I can not do it alone. There were times that I felt I could not make it another minute. There were times that I could completely empathize with people who have made the choice to take their own lives. However, I had my beautiful family to keep me grounded enough to see the repercussions that would have. We often call upon God in our darkest moments. This was no exception. There were days that I couldn't do much more than lie in bed and pray. I picked up my Bible for the first time in a long time. I started nurturing a relationship I had been neglecting. I found hope. I poured out my heart and was met with grace and mercy. That my friends, is a beautiful thing.

It has been a very long, difficult year. At the same time, it has been an amazingly wonderful year. The clouds do have a way of lifting. It is possible to start to notice/feel the good things again. It gets better.

I am so incredibly blessed to have an amazing husband and family. It would have been very easy I'm sure for Korey to say “Enough! I can't do this.” I know I have not been easy to live with. Instead, again, I have been met with grace. I can't say enough good things about that man.

I found new interests and hobbies that made me happy. I found self-worth. I read book after book and article after article about natural medicine. I started exercising. I lost 90lbs. I made the choice to focus on the joy my daughter brings and the memories and moments that are fleeting. I stopped focusing on the exhaustion, the tough nights and the difficult times. I put more of my focus back into my marriage. I will go back to school starting next month. We have been incredibly blessed in the last year by a new job opportunity for Korey and a new hometown. Relationships I thought were irreparable have been healed. I've learned forgiveness. I'm able to roll with the punches.

I am not sharing my story in a quest for sympathy. I have spent a year and a half harboring my secret in shame. I don't want anyone else to ever feel that way. There is such a huge stigma attached to issues that relate to mental health, chemical imbalances, hormonal imbalances, what have you. I have heard so many negative things from people who do not understand:

“Depression isn't real.”

“If you have to take medication to be happy there is something wrong with you.”

“Medication/Therapy is a weakness.”

None of which is true. There is no shame in getting help. There is no shame in admitting that you are going trough something bigger than yourself.

I am looming on 25 years old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is that I want to be an encourager. I want to provide hope for others that are lost in a sea of hopelessness. I want to be a beacon of joy. I have no idea what 25 is going to hold. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, and I am happy to say I know I can handle it. I still have hard days, but I know the good outweighs the bad. I know that there are far more blessings and reasons to choose joy than there are reasons to be sad. All I know is that each day I am blessed by another 24 hours with my beautiful daughter. I'll take it day by day. That is enough for me.

This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” - Charles Dickens

Oh, Charles Dickens, you just get me. :)